Jensense

Taking hints from staycationing

2011-06-25T10:06:00.009-04:00

I live only 35 minutes by car, one hour by train to a major world city. That has prepared me for traveling any where. When I'm in the mood to escape my boring town, I jump on a train to Chicago.

My train stops at some of the major tourist sites--Shedd Aquarium, Museum of Science and Industry, Art Institute and Millennium and Grant Park, etc. From the end-of-the-line stop, I can walk to Navy Pier, Water Tower Place, Willis Tower, wherever my stamina takes me.

What amazes me most though is that so many people I know won't take advantage of public transportation to travel to Chicago. That may explain why they are so resistant to travel other places. Public transportation really comes in handy especially when you're looking for bargains here and overseas. I travel to Chicago for less than $12 round trip. You're lucky if you can park your car in Chicago for only $12 an hour.

I use public transportation daily so I'm used to it. I know some of the ins and outs, and most of all, I'm not afraid of it. I have learned not only to endure it but to embrace it. It can be very entertaining. Sometimes I'm a supporting actress in a Forest Gump-like movie listening to strangers confess their secrets. Other times I'm a spectator watching a comedy routine or even an impromptu championship fight. It's all how you look at it.

K.I.S.S. works

2011-06-24T07:55:00.003-04:00

When I finally got my courage up to travel to Europe alone, the first thing I did was troll the web for advice. I looked for everything from what to wear to where were the best budget places. I bookmarked lots of travel webs and read lots of reviews. The most helpful site was tripadvisor which gave me what actual travelers encountered and what they recommended. You have to always account for your own taste as you read it.

Then I started doing the fun part--planning. My original trip would have been over two weeks and included four times as many stops but I edited my plan. I think I made a wise decision. I was overwhelmed by my overachieving dreams and it almost derailed my whole trip.

So my first advice is research, research, research. My second advice is keep it simple.

Yes you can afford to travel

2011-06-23T10:23:00.002-04:00

Last year I took a trip to England and Rome. It was 12 days long and it costs me about $2000. That isn't cheap but that isn't expensive for a European trip, People tell me all the time, they can't afford to go but I know "Yes, you can." All it takes is research, planning and budgeting. I want to go to Peru and see Machu Picchu and the Nazca lines. It won't be cheap but I know it isn't impossible.

What I plan to do in this blog, besides the cathartic mutterings and political rants, is to show people that it is possible to travel if you really want to. What I have found out is that most people choose not to travel and there's nothing wrong with that (yes there is). But if you really, really, really want to travel, I will show you option. Did I mention I make less than $20,000 a year and I don't use credit cards? But yet I went on my own and had a wonderful time. All will be revealed.

To fly or to sit, that is the question

2011-06-17T10:00:00.003-04:00

Yeah, yeah. I know. It's been 2 and 1/2 years since writing on this particular blog. I come back to it now because it really is my monologue or my dialogue with myself. I need to clarify some things that only I can clarify.
For example, I have learned that possessions tie you down. I wish to travel and it is so much easier without a house, a dog, children, a job, a husband. But just the sound of all that weightlessness sounds depressing.
So what do I do? Do I put off being anchored to be unstable and travel for a while? Or do I accept predictable stability and stay put?

Cable TV - Remeber when?

2008-12-24T10:22:00.002-05:00

I'm old enough now that I can remember when things were muuuch different. Like cable tv. I was just reading a blog about how a family canceled their satellite dish subscription and are now saving $93 a month.

Well, a tree canceled my digital cable subscription. Up until a giant tree branch fell on my cable line, I was addicted to my comcast channels. When we first subscribed many years ago, it only cost $9.95 a month. It came with cable only channels that didn't have commercials. For a little extra, you got HBO or Showtime.

That was then. Now those special channels have been moved over to another tier that you have to pay extra to get. And even then, they have commercials. My last bill was $90 a month. That didn't even include movie channels. Like the other family, I was only watching certain channels. I was definitely not getting my money's worth.

Now I watch network television from an antenna. I feel guilty to think I can see these shows for free. PBS carries my documentaries. The networks have my soaps and my reality shows. I do miss MSNBC but I can watch snippets on their website. I am a member of another website that feeds me all the British TV I can consume. I have even been introduced to new favorite shows I never would have discovered if I was still hooked to cable. I do miss the Cartoon Network and Ted Turner Classics. I don't miss VH1. Lately I have taken to cruising dollar stores and reject dvd bins for old classics.

All in all, that tree crashing my cable and making me go cold turkey on cable was the most frugal thing to happen to me ever. I am very happy with my tv, my dvd, and youtube.

The View from the Parking Lot

2008-09-24T16:10:00.004-04:00

This is not a lake nor pond. This is IUN's parking lot as it looked four days ago.

The photo below is also not a lake nor a pond but it might be a swamp now. It is supposed to be Gleason Park. On Sunday I saw egrets and heron perched on its "shore."

The Flood of 2008

2008-09-24T15:53:00.005-04:00

When Hurricane Ike hit Texas, he devastated more than just those cities near the gulf. The effects were far reaching. From Texas to Ohio, he left his mark.

People are returning to Galveston today. There city looks like a war zone. They have no power, no water, lots of mold and debris. Here in Northwest Indiana we are still suffering too. Not as bad as Galveston but the effects of the hurricane lingers on today.

I work at IUN. The school has been closed since September and will be closed at least until September 28th. The parking lot is a flood of unhealthy stagnant water and breeding ground for mosquitoes. Most of the school buildings have been compromised in one way or another. Even after the water recedes, there will be health and sanitary concerns.

At first, I was happy for the break but now I'm ready to get back to work. I'm also wondering if I should begin looking to relocate. It's scary. Add to that the debacle on Wall Street and life seems very uncertain here on Main Street.

In Context

2008-03-26T12:06:00.007-04:00

When did patriotism become fanaticism in America? Did I miss the memo? Or has it always been that way and there was just a brief respite from it during the 60's and 70's?

Ronald Reagan made America feel good about being the grand old U.S. of A. It was okay to be patriotic again. I believe Barack Obama is the same type of candidate, one who makes you feel good about being an American. Or at least he was until his critics and the ratings-seeking media began to paint him with a Jeremiah Wright "hate" brush.

Six seconds of a sermon. That's what is played over and over again. The sermon itself is at least 25 minutes long. Have you listened to the whole thing before you rushed to judgement or are you basing your decision on 6 seconds? Even Hillary Clinton's former pastor, Dean Snyder, the senior minister at the Foundry United Methodist Church in Washington D.C., defended Wright.

In a statement Snyder released last week he noted that Wright was an outstanding leader. "To evaluate his dynamic ministry on the basis of two or three sound bites does a grave injustice to Dr. Wright, the members of his congregation, and the African-American church which has been the spiritual refuge of a people that has suffered from discrimination, disadvantage, and violence. Dr. Wright, a member of an integrated denomination, has been an agent of racial reconciliation while proclaiming perceptions and truths uncomfortable for some white people to hear. Those of us who are white Americans would do well to listen carefully to Dr. Wright rather than to use a few of his quotes to polarize."

I listened to the sermon. In fact, I tuned into another sermon this past Sunday. I wanted to judge for myself if this man was a racist hate monger or not. He isn't. His sermon, although peppered with many political comments, was very traditional Christianity. And traditional Christianity is about love. He even talked about loving your enemy.

Here is a link to it on Huffington Post. This clip is over six minutes long not six seconds. Listen and decide for yourself.

I realize that some people may still take offense to his sermons. Those people who close their ears to any criticism of America or its president without judging the merit of the statement will not like what he has to say. America is not always right but saying that doesn't mean I don't love America. I don't always agree with or like some of the things America does. That doesn't make me unpatriotic or a traitor.

Obama's speech

2008-03-19T12:54:00.004-04:00

I've been quiet on the political front. It's not because I don't have strong opinions.

I used to think politics was a great spectator sport but now I realize the stakes are too high and the game plays with people's lives. I don't like politics so much now.

That being said, I applaud Obama for his speech yesterday. It wasn't politically expedient. It was honest, well-thought out, courageous and on point. Will it change minds? Only those open to be changed. Those whose opinions are set will stay right where they were two days ago, whether they are Republican or Democrat, or for Hillary, Obama or John McCain.

I just talked to a student who said someone expressed in class how they weren't going to vote for Obama because they didn't like his name. That's scary mostly because there are probably a lot of people who feel the same way.

Ignorance is the most dangerous thing in the world except for the marriage of it with stupidity.

Seeing Red

2008-02-13T13:21:00.003-05:00

Valentine's Day is upon us. The world is vomiting hearts and flowers and cards and candy. Or is that just me wanting to hurl?

Can you tell? I'm not celebrating the lover's holiday. That's only because I'm single right now. However, Valentine's Day has disappointed me most of my life. When I was in grade school I dreaded the day because it was a numbers game then. Everyone checked to see who got the most Valentine cards. Remember those bright little cardboard cards with the sickening sweet sentiments. I never got as many as the popular girls.

As I got older, I had the kind of boyfriends that always broke up with me during the holidays so they wouldn't have to buy me presents. They were real gems.

Of course, there were suitors that showered me with gifts. Usually they were on my lists of rejects. The one great exception was my husband. He was wonderfully sentimental. I could always count on him for extravagant bouquets of roses, giant cards, a night out and a sexy night in. I miss that.

So now, as the day approaches, I will try to avoid as much of the hype as possible. Right now I'm in that unenviable limbo stage--between men. The last one is long, long gone. The next one has already stated that he doesn't know me that well so he will just verbally wish me "Happy Valentine's Day." He sounds like my former cheap boyfriends. Oh, well.

Maybe the Middle East has the right idea. Saudi Arabia is banning all things red until after Valentine's Day. They say the day encourages immoral relations between unmarried men and women. If only.

Reasons not to vote for McCain

2008-02-02T09:53:00.000-05:00

It looks fairly certain that John McCain will be the Republican candidate for President this year. While I admire the man and his courage, there are a few things that trouble me about the possibility of him being president the foremost being that he is a "hawk."

I have heard over and over his statement about going to the "gates of hell" to get Osama Bin Laden. Is this rhetoric to fire up people to follow him like our current president did with Sadam Hussein to get us into the Iraq War? Or does he truly believe that the number one priority of America is to kill one man?

His buzz words are "islamic extremists." I listened to a woman stumble over these words last night as she was being interviewed for the news. She was repeating the phrase for the reporter to explain why John McCain would be a good president. She sounded like a robot conditioned by fear.

Side note. There is a spy sattelite the size of a bus hurtling down to earth. It will strike somewhere in North America sometime this month or next. Now that frightens me. They will not even know where it will land until 30 minutes before it hits. Shouldn't we be on some kind of alert about this? Yet, whenever the Republicans want to herd the sheep into their corral, "Islamic extremists and terrorists" are trotted out in the news to strike fear in our hearts. That makes me think it is just a ploy while the things that can really hurt us like the glaciers melting, satellites falling to earth, Pakistan imploding are mentioned casually before going on to breaking news about Britney Spears.

But I digress. McCain is ready and willing for America to stay in Iraq for 100 years. This is unacceptable to me. Yes, it is personal because I have a nephew serving his country as a Marine in Iraq. I want him to come home sound and alive to his wife and four small children now. I also want every American soldier there to come home soon not 100 years from now. I fear that if John McCain is elected president this will not happen.

Another Obama Win!

2008-01-27T10:39:00.000-05:00

I'm so happy I was wrong about Hillary beating Obama. I am also impressed that Caroline Kennedy has endorsed Obama. I know that this is going to be a tough fight. It's going to get dirty. The Clintons will do anything to win, according to many political experts. I liked Bill Clinton as president but I don't like him riding shotgun for Hillary. And I don't enjoy watching the sparring during the debates.

Unfortunately, my state primary is in May. By thr time it gets around to us, the Democratic candidate will probably be chosen. But you never know. This race is different from the last few elections. It reminds me of how it used to be when the convention actually decided the candidate. It is exciting but the outcome is so important to our country and possibly the planet. We can't afford to get it wrong again!

Obama Mama

2008-01-25T09:41:00.000-05:00

Tomorrow is the Democratic primary in South Carolina. According to the political pundits, it looks like Hillary will edge out Barack. I hope not but I hoped America would wake up and not re-elect Bush.

I am for Obama not because he is African-American but because of his message of hope and change and not doing business as usual. I am not for Hillary not because she is a woman but because I remember her as First Lady and I don't trust her.

Last Sunday I listened to a discussion about why women should not be preachers. The debate was between two ministers, a wife and a mother-in-law. I brought up that there was a woman judge that ruled over Israel. They said she was a co-judge with Barack and that he was the one who actually went to battle. It struck me as such fatalistic irony that the first Black man to run for president that has a real chance of actually winning is a man named Barack and that he is running against the first woman who has a real chance of winning. Irony.

Change is in the air

2008-01-09T11:56:00.001-05:00

Whew! 2008 is only nine days old and it's already been a wild and bumpy ride. The weather has been crazy, not just here but all over the world. While it was 70 degrees in Northwest Indiana, it was a blizzard in Iran. It even snowed in the dessert!

The election predictions are evading the pundits. One week it's a stunning upset by the dark horses (no pun intended). Now it's the comeback tour for the old timers. What will it be next week?

It's happening at my job too. People are quitting. New people are replacing them. Makes me think I need to change too. Yet the experts are predicting that a recession is certain. Part of me wants to sell my worldly possession and become a worldly vagabond. The other part of me wants to burrow myself in a modest but comfortable home and watch the storm go by. Only time will tell which part will win. I'm betting on the burrower.

Where I've been

2008-01-05T16:52:00.000-05:00

create your own visited states map
or check out these Google Hacks.

create your own visited countries map
or vertaling Duits Nederlands

My ambition is to paint the map red and to tell the tale.

Bon voyage.

It's ON

2008-01-04T15:35:00.000-05:00

The race is on. Iowa is History. It's one for record books. Isn't it wonderful when America gets it right! Or left depending on your leaning.

Yes, I'm an Obama Mama. It has nothing to do with the color of his skin but the content of his character. On the other hand, Huckabee scares me. He reminds me too much of the antagonist in Stephen King's novel, The Dead Zone. I'm hoping Huckabee falls by the wayside as the race goes on.

If it came down to John McCain and Barack Obama, that would be wonderful for the country. It will be the first time I can remember that I believe either candidate running for president would be a good choice.

Requiem for Florence Sawicki

2008-01-02T19:17:00.000-05:00

First day back at work after the holiday. First day back at work in the new year. Trudging through snow drifts, braving below freezing wind chill factor to go to work.

I like my job right now. Even though it was hard getting out of bed, even though I could get use to a life of leisure, it was okay going to work today. Then I get there and I'm socked with tragic news. My former supervisor, Dr. Florence Sawicki, died the day after Christmas.

No one even knew she was sick. That's the kind of person she was. She didn't talk about her problems. She was such a cool person, a terrific boss, one of a kind. I said these words months ago so it isn't the grief talking. She was a person who believed in results. She didn't regiment you to a certain way of achieving the results. And no, it wasn't the ends justifying the means. She believed in the integrity of people and the ability of the people she hired. And as laid back as she was, she could also be tough. If you let her down, you didn't get many second chances.

Sometimes I think she liked animals more than people. She had a slew of them. She normally looked happy but her pets made her radiate. In lieu of flowers, the family asked that we donate money to an humane society of our choice. They knew that meant more to her than flowers at a gravesite.

She also loved children and dedicated her whole life to them. She was no believer in forcing children to become mini-adults with pressure to achieve. Her philosophy was to let the children play. Let the children laugh and they will learn.

I'm very sorry Dr. Sawicki is gone. Dr. Florence Sawicki, an educator, an humanitarian, one special lady.

Back and Forward--2007 and 2008

2007-12-29T15:43:00.000-05:00

Every year at this time I review my accomplishments and make a new or revised list for future deeds. 2007 hasn't been that kind nor that exciting. Makes me kind of glad to see 2008 come. Hope springs eternal.

Thankfully, no one died in my family this year. And as I predicted, there were lots of marriage in my family, just not mine. No new babies. We had so many last year but I'm sure with the new marriages there will be new additions to the family next year. That's me and mini-me, my daughter Jillian, in a photo taken during the holidays.

The biggest accomplishment for me was teaching at IUN. That was very rewarding. It makes me want to keep on teaching. I also sold several copies of my play at the COGIC convention in Memphis.

The biggest disappointment is leaving my home after nearly 17 years. I'm leaving behind lots of memories good and bad. I should be excited about getting a newer place but I'm not. I'll warm up to it next year, I guess.

This year I met Benjamin Cotten, a cousin I never knew. He has the genealogy bug just like me. Together we shall plan a family reunion for as many Cottens as we can get together. Next year I plan on traveling. Hopefully, my inheritance will finally come in so that will help. As always, I plan on being debt free. Maybe this year it will really happen. I plan on putting on my play in May for Mother's Day. Of course, I hope this is the year that "he" finally shows up. That is my greatest desire. It really sucks being single.

So here's to a better, more prosperous, happier, more loving New Year to everyone!

Memories

2007-12-20T09:58:00.000-05:00

Christmas conjures up so many memories good, bad, ugly, beautiful, and hopeful. It's like potato chips--you keep hoping they will be as great as the first one.

For me, Christmas is Toyland in my front room when I was a child and then again for my children. It's the look on the face of my lover when he receives the present from my heart and knows it is my heart. It's the pure, unadulterated joy on my children's faces on Christmas morning even though they think some fat man in red suit brought them the presents and not me and my husband.

But Christmas is also that day I now watch in envy the joy of others. It's loneliness and wishful thinking. It's a memory that I try to keep buried. Nine years on December 23rd my husband died. I found his body. I had to tell my children. Like a ghost of Christmas past, the memory haunts me every year at this time.

Last December 23rd I was so full of hope. I spent it with a man whom I loved, the first one I have loved since my husband. It was wonderful. We watched "Love Actually," a chick flick, I know. It's one of my favorite movies. I gave him presents that cost little but were all heartfelt. I saw that look in his eyes. And then--nothing. I knew it in my soul even before New Year's Eve even though I tried to quiet the thought. Now he is out of my life too.

So this Christmas I will rewarm the good memories and put the bad ones on ice and continue to pray and hope for better ones because that is what I do.

If At First

2007-12-16T12:03:00.000-05:00

I failed miserably at writing 100 blogs in 100 days but my mamma always told me nothing beats a failure but a try. And Yoda said there is no trying only doing. So here I go again. I'm going to see how long I can keep it going. I already wrote two in one day. That's real progress.

The Juice

2007-09-20T21:23:00.000-04:00

They realllly got a hard on for OJ. I'm not saying he's innocent. I'm just saying they want him so bad that they would probably trip over their lust and he'll go free again. OJ is not a smart man. He's arrogant. But he isn't of a criminal mind. That doesn't matter to a lot of people. They want him in jail for a long time for a crime they believe he did and they will settle for any crime just to get him behind bars. If that's their goal, they need to be a little smarter and smoother. Right now they're too heavy handed. And that's all I've got to say on the matter.

I'm Back

2007-09-17T16:19:00.000-04:00

It's been a while. I passed a birthday, lived through a hurricane force storm, struggled with loneliness, celebrated a career milestone, and face moving for the first time in 16 years. That's life.

Those who can, do. Those who can't, teach. Those who can but don't, write.

Minneapolis Tragedy

2007-08-02T15:10:00.000-04:00

I looked at the photographs of the Minneapolis bridge collapse with horror. Like a newsman said today, we all go over bridges during the course of days. It could have been our bridge.

Crossing bridges is one of my unreasonable fears. Right now it doesn't sound so unreasonable when it is reported that thousands of American bridges are deficient. This one collapsed even though it was given the thumbs up. Yeah, bridges, elevators and airplanes are on my list of things I rather not do. But in life there are many things we do that we rather not. That's where you put your faith in God and hope it's not your turn.

Top Five Songs

2007-07-25T14:38:00.000-04:00

I remember High Fidelity the movie mostly for the scenes between John Cusack and Jack Black discussing their top five music list. I vaguely remember a romance between him and the exotic Lisa Bonet but the list making stands out more.

This is my top five. Of course this list is very fluid but my number one song has been a favorite for a while.

1. Allegro from Appalachian Springs by Aaron Copland. I remember waiting for my husband to get dressed before going to the hospital and listening to this song over and over and over. The highs and lows of this classical piece seemed to mirror my soul's roller coaster. I feel it from the inside out.

2. I Burn for You by Sting. Some anonymous stranger recommended this song to me when I told him I loved Sting. It became my favorite among many others the artist has recorded. It's the cool passion of his voice and smoldering words that get me. "Now that I have found you in the cool of your evening smile . . .though I lie here so still, I burn for you."

3. Shadows by Tom Scott. It's from an old album "Blow It Out" which has been remastered. The song is seductive, soulful, introspective. The saxophone caresses each note in musical foreplay. I remember listening to it in the dark in the park in a car with a special man. Ah, memories.

4.Ghost Box by Black Box is very similar to Shadows in style. It is a song I first heard on Chicago's smooth jazz radio station. Ghost Box is completely different from anything else Black Box does. Like Art of Noise's Moments in Love, Ghost Box seems to be an aberrant track into maturity. It is covertly and smoothly sexual.

5. My three favorite artists are Maxwell, Sting and Seal. I love everything each of them sing. So it's hard to choose between Maxwell or Seal. Maxwell has the voice of an angel or what I think an angel would sound like. Seal has this smoky, passionate tone that I find irresistable. Seal's Kiss from a Rose was a favorite of mine but it isn't on my top five any longer. Maxwell's This Woman's Work also was in my top five. So instead of trying to choose between the two, I will go with Daniel Bedingfield "If You're Not the One." It is totally sappy and sentimental and I love it. His voice is earnest and you feel his sincerity as he stretches into falsetto. So sue me. It's my list. Make your own.

Lists

2007-07-23T10:57:00.000-04:00

I don't know why they are so much fun but they are. Maybe because they're unique and common at the same time. I dunno. It's great filler, that's for sure and I'm still struggling to keep my promise to write every day. While watching Big Brother 8, I overheard Nick talking about his list of hot men and women. So goes my top 5 men.

1. Matthew McConaughey--He has a killer bod, gorgeous light-up-the-sky smile, and a bad boy don't care attitude.

2. Matt Damon--I love his smile. He seems genuine and intelligent. That's very sexy.

3. Pablo--Beautiful eyes that twinkle with intelligence, wonderful smile, hot chocolate fudgy skin color, and when he can be very kind and caring. That's sexy to me.

4.Adewale Akinnoye-Agbaje--played Mr. Eko from Lost, a bad guy in Mummy Returns and will always be remembered as Adebisi(sic?) from Oz. The voice, the body, the eyes--hot, hot, hot.

5. Josh Holloway-- from Lost also. It's the bad boy thing again. I love his glare, the dirty blond hair, the glasses that he wears that don't seem to fit his personality.

Bratt Pitt did not make my list. Too pretty. Nick from Big Brother 8, though, is very cute himself and is definitely on my top 100.

Racial disparity in the 21st Cenury

2007-07-20T13:35:00.000-04:00

One of my daily daydreams is that of relocating to a better place. Iowa was never high on my list when it came to moving but now it's under the list. A study just came out that the midwestern state imprisons Blacks 13 times the rate of Whites. "For every 100,000 people, Iowa incarcerates 309 whites and 4,200 blacks, the study said."

Bear in mind that Blacks only make up 2% of the population. The Iowan government blames it on high poverty and lower educational achievement. I say something's rotten in the state of Iowa.

Believe it or not

2007-07-19T10:07:00.000-04:00

I am a believer. I believe in love at first sight. I believe in true love. I believe in love that never dies. I believe in God, an intelligence greater than ourselves. I believe in evolution. I believe in uncommon sense and paranormal and supernatural. I believe that good is stronger than evil, love is stronger than hate. I believe that there are no accidents or coincidences. I believe we all have a choice. I believe that it is all going to work out the way it should.

Do you believe? Can you suspend common sense and reasoning to believe? Will you?

Three Weddings and a Funeral

2007-07-16T11:35:00.000-04:00

I am aware that I am behind schedule in writing a blog a day. I will make it up by writing a blog for each of my sites this week.

I have been living through my own version of the Hugh Grant movie. Last weekend there were two weddings--one impromptu and one planned. I was called upon to do a poetic reading at the planned one. I also wanted to see my nephew Savion walk down the aisle. He is only two years old and some months. I didn't think he would do it but thought it would be fun to see him try. My prediction was correct. After pronouncing that he was going to walk down the aisle, he only made it half way to the altar. No amount of threats, prodding and begging made him budge. He also made a spectacle of himself at the reception. He tackled the bride, busted some mean moves on the dance floor, and wore the wedding cake on his face. He made it worth coming.

This past weekend I attended another cousin's wedding. It was a tad bizarre. The flower girl cried all the way down the aisle. After everyone arrived at the altar, which took at least 15 minutes, my cousin decided to ask his bride to forgive him for any offense or wrong he had done to her and release him. I thought that was a very sweet thing to do but it should have been done at a private moment. It made everyone think something was going on. My sister noted he probably should have said that to his ex-wife. Now she probably had a lot of grudges against him. The marriage ceremony continued under the officiation of a tag team of preachers, a married couple. They sounded like they were auditioning a comedy routine.

The funeral was for a minor local celebrity, Donna Blakely Jackson. She was a gospel singer whose career and family demanded the full COGIC treatment. That means her wake was a musical that lasted past midnight and her funeral was four hours long. It would have been longer but the cemetery demanded that they be there before they closed. So her eulogy only lasted 15 minutes.

All I need is the fourth wedding to make it fit Hugh Grant's title. Could it be mine? To be continued.

Why did the chicken, etc.?

2007-07-10T10:44:00.000-04:00

I was sitting at the bus stop and noticed a fly trying to cross the road. I became fascinated. 'Why would a fly walk when it could fly?,' I thought. (Yes, it was a slow, boring morning)

I couldn't take my eyes off the insect. I kept waiting for it to alight. Instead it walked a serpentine path across the road, inching closer and closer to the cars whizzing by. Every now and then it would try its wings which obviously weren't working. A car would get close and it would change course for a minute, sometimes stopping on the pavement and becoming a speck of dirt. Inwardly I cheered the fly to keep going. After a short rest, the fly resumed its journey. That journey eventually put it in the path of a car's tire. It never flew. It never got across the road.

You can fill in all the esoterical, metaphysical, spiritual cliches now. Mine is "Life is short. You gotta keep trying to get to the other side regardless of the risks."

Chemistry 101

2007-07-07T09:14:00.000-04:00

Black, middle-aged Carrie Bradshaw here lecturing on Chemistry of the pheromone variety. It's essential in romance. It's the click when everything snaps into place, making a solid foundation for everything that follows. Without it, the relationship is just a book shelf. With it, with every stomach-churning butterfly, each passionate ground-moving shudder, the relationship is terrifying, unpredictable and breathtaking exhilaration.

That's what I want. That's what I need. That's what I had. That's what I don't have now. The new man in my life is attentive, kind, dependable, and, so far, devoid of any chemical combustion. The good thing is that I have lived long enough to know that sometimes chemistry is a slow cooking concoction. However, I will not accept for long a relationship without it and will put up with one that has it far longer than I should. Life is too short to live it without passion.

5th of July

2007-07-05T09:27:00.000-04:00

I am so glad the fourth is over. Does that make me unpatriotic? The fourth is my least favorite holiday. It is usually too hot or stormy to enjoy. It signals that summer is now heading toward its end. It gives license to morons to explode firecrackers at all times of the day or night.

I was sick as a dog yesterday so I couldn't eat any barbeque. I could barely sit up straight. Food poisoning, I'm guessing. Today I am 100% better. The fourth is over. There will be fewer morons leting their money go up in sulphuric smoke. I will dine on leftover barbeque and dwell on last year's blush of love.

More of the Same

2007-07-03T09:58:00.000-04:00

Writing every day is not that easy. I will continue to strive toward that goal no matter how difficult. It's not that there isn't a lot to comment on--London terror attacks, Supreme Court reversing the Brown versus Board of Education decision, Bush commuting Libby's sentence--all fodder for blogging. I think I'm becoming jaded because none of these things surprise me. My outrage is tempered by my low expectations. I rather escape into my own myopic world and not dwell on how little control I have over my circumstances.

Sex in the Fifites

2007-06-29T12:18:00.000-04:00

I'm not talking about the 1950's although if you're in your fifties now, someone was doing it in the 1950's to create you. And I'm sure twenty somethings will be thinking "eeewww" at the idea of fifty somethings getting busy. Tough. Live long enough and you'll see.

I feel like a middle-aged Carrie Bradshaw. I even have my own committment-phobic Mr. Big. No, I'm not jumping in and out of beds. My personal preference is for committment sex over recreational sex. But when it comes to dating, I've had my share of experiences.

Presently I'm asking the question "how long should you wait before you try love again?" Love on the rebound may be unwise although I think that's what my first husband was. I met him after pining away for an earlier version of Mr. Big. My husband was so passionate and upfront. I didn't have to play the guessing game or any game. It was so refreshing, I couldn't help but fall in love.

Now someone else has come into my life that is similar. He likes me. He's emotionally available. However, so far, my heart is still in neutral. I blame it on not being over the present Mr. Big. And on Sex in the City, Carrie ended up with her Mr. Big at the end. Time will tell. It always does. When you're in your fifties, you know that.

Brand New Day

2007-06-28T10:03:00.000-04:00

This morning was special. I kissed someone and told him I needed and loved him before heading out to work. On the way there, a star landed a few feet from me. Before I could capture it, it floated out of my reach back to the sky. Cars hurried by, oblivious to the phenomenon. Instead, they all seem to be really interested in me, doing double takes as they drove by. Superman appeared from down the street. I pretended not to notice him as he hurried off to save somebody's day, relieved that he didn't think I needed his attention.

Screeeeeeeeeeech. Let's rewind this and strip away the illusions.

Clouds draped the morning in sad sack gray, pregnant with impending rain. I kissed my son before I left for work. He shrugged when I told him I loved him and replied "right."

A star-spangled helium balloon drifted by me on the street as I walked to the bus stop. No doubt it had escaped someone's fourth of July bouquet of decorations. I hurried to capture it but it drifted off before I could reach it, heading for the sky.

Superman did walk past me as I waited for the bus. I dared not to look him in the face for fear of retaliation. Instead of red tights, the middle aged black man wore red shorts and sneakers. He still had on his glasses. I guess he forgot to take them off before he changed into his cape, a padded superman "S" over his white tee shirt and a baseball cap. After he had passed far enough away, I turned to watch the man who was obviously suffering from some mental aberation. I shook my head in disbelief but it made my morning. That and the double takes. That was real.

100 Days

2007-06-26T11:50:00.000-04:00

The experts say you should blog often to increase traffic to your site. So here goes. I promise to blog something everyday for at least 100 days on this site or my other two sites. It won't be easy. It's not that I don't have anything to write about. I just have to do it, thanks Nike. Or as Yoda said, "Do or not do. There is no try."

Hope Lives

2007-06-22T10:52:00.000-04:00

I had an epiphany this morning. I realized my biggest character flaw is hanging on to things when I should let them go. I keep hoping things will get better but it rarely does. But I hang on anyway when I should have kicked whatever to the curb months, sometimes years ago.

Hope is very hard to kill. It keeps living like some cockroach in the crevices of my mind, scurrying out when things are darkest, hiding when I try to extricate it.

I finally let the connection go between me and him. Hope was keeping me tied, not love. The wonderful thing is that hope didn't die. It just moved on. Now my heart is open for someone who is emotionally available, generous of time and spirit, and courageous in loving. What? It could happen.

Life in the ghetto

2007-06-14T13:37:00.000-04:00

Someone broke the window out of our family car either last night or this morning. There was no reason for the vandalism. They didn't try to steal anything. It was just for the sake of destroying something.

It isn't the first time this has happened where I live. Someone broke the window out around ten years ago. Then I think it was vengeance for something my husband did--protecting his family--or some unfounded envy of me. And more recently, in 2004, they broke out the window to steal my Coach handbag I had left in the car accidentally. In 2004, a truck backing down our one way street the wrong way at a high rate of speed knocked my parked Camry so hard that it ended up perpendicular to the curb. Of course, the truck sped off.

Did I get up in arms? Did I rant and rave about my no good neighbors? No. I just accepted it as part of the landscape, no more different than trees knocked down by thunderstorms or electricity cut off by blizzards.

I'm tired of my landscape. I think it's time to relocate to a kinder, gentler, warmer place.

Excellent Adventure

2007-05-09T15:44:00.000-04:00

I'm going to do something I rarely do. I'm going to venture out into the social world alone without a wingman this week. It's not my favorite thing to do. I sincerely wish I had a partner. Pleasure for me is multiplied by close friends in proximity. But I have decided not to let that stop me from experiencing new things. It's a challenge, a gauntlet I will not reject.

On the other hand, I'm putting my quest for love on definite hiatus. They say three times the charm. They also say three strikes you're out. It looks like for me the latter is more true. Three times in love. I think I will sit it out for a long while, maybe forever. Time will tell.

Dominoes

2007-05-09T15:39:00.000-04:00

Life is a game of dominoes. Not original, I know, but I constantly think about the "what ifs then what" of life. There is no answer. It's mind suduko. Could life be a game of suduko too? Hmmm.

The Twilight Zone

2007-05-06T08:44:00.000-04:00

I had to check my calendar. It is 2007, right? Yet, there are three Republicans running for president that don't believe in evolution.

The Iranian diplomat walked out of a dinner meeting Condaleeza Rice was attending citing that the female violinist was dressed too revealing. This went against his religious belief, so he said. Of course, that was just a pretense but that he even thought to use it boggles my mind.

And let's not forget that there is a warrant for Richard Gere's arrest for kissing an Indian woman in public because such an act corrupts society. The judge who issued the order has since been transferred but the warrant has not been withdrawn.

Has the sand stopped running in the hour glass? Is running backward?

I have similar debates every week with traditional christians who fervently believe they are right about something that goes against the grain of progress. But how can you argue with someone who truly believes God is their debate captain?

Virginia Tech Tragedy

2007-04-17T18:12:00.000-04:00

I watched the unfolding tragedy at Blacksburg with horror but not shock. It isn't that the massacre of more than 30 people isn't shocking. It's just that we hear everyday of people dying in groups or solitary, murdered or in war. My mind is becoming numb from the news.
I work at a university. My first thought wasn't that it could happen here. My first thought was how can a terrorist act be stopped, at a university or any large gathering place. When someone wants to take out as many human beings with them on their exit out of life, how can you stop them? Now that's scary.
I pray for those families. I know they are devastated. Death in proximity changes the rules forever.

Never wear white after labor day

2006-10-04T12:53:00.000-04:00

For some reasons unknown to me--the stars, my time, destiny, fate, procrastination, pick one--life shifted after Labor Day.
Before Labor Day, I was carefree and in love with love. After Labor Day, I am stressed for time and love has become a serious subject.
However, I am not unhappy about the developments. I have a new writing assignment that pays much better. I write content for a soap opera page--right up my alley. And in the love department, my guy is still straddling the fence on whether he is my guy but he's thinking about thinking about it. I know, I know. Denial is not just the name of a river. I will take any positive motion I can get. Faith is my watch word.
In my quest of my dream to be a successful writer, I am going to write some more blogs. These are going to be search words rich not just diary entries. Hopefully, I can make a few extra hundred dollars with advertising. Faith.

Over already?

2006-09-01T13:05:00.000-04:00

Summertime is nearly over, unofficially. It always goes too fast and winter lingers too long. This summer has been exceptional. I even had a summer romance, sort of. Alas, the hot embers have cooled down to smoking ash but I'm not sorry. It was wonderful and I have a new friend. Besides, I have hot fudgie memories to store away for the coming winter.

And on and on

2006-07-11T13:54:00.000-04:00

God is good and so is life.

My friendship with "the one whom my soul loves" continues to grow.

I have a new freelance job as a feature writer for a free newspaper.

Yes, I am still looking for more on both counts but I know I will have more on both accounts.

The fourth of July weekend was spectacular. I had my own special fireworks.

Two family affairs/birthday parties bookended it. Friday I journeyed to Kokomo to see childhood friends. A live jazz band serenaded the group of family and friends. It was a real love fest.

Sunday turned out perfect as well. It was my mother's birthday celebration at a local restaurant. She was so overjoyed at the celebration that she teared up. That is unusual for my mother. Most of her tears have not been happy ones. It made me feel very good. Watching my mother, my sisters, my children, my aunts and uncles, the grandchildren, and the great grandchildren--I felt so blessed.

And the centerpiece of it all was Saturday. I enjoyed it from the moment I saw him seeing me coming out of the train tunnel in the morning to waiting for the midnight train with his hand resting on my hips.

He cooked for me. The dinner was excellent. The company was better. The day was unbelievably rich with too many moments to choose from as the highlights. Standing on his condo's balcony with our own summer breeze, fireworks going off outside the corner of our view, bumping behinds. Perfect. The highlight, in retrospect, had to be walking through the crowd at the Taste of Chicago and not feeling like one soul against a multitude for a change.

And it's only going to get better.

The power of prayer part two

2006-04-09T18:03:00.000-04:00

This blog could also be entitled unrequited love part two. I prayed to God this past week. I told Him that I have had enough unrequited love to last a lifetime. That is literal. I asked Him if I could have my love returned from now on. And then the one whom my soul loves (check out Song of Solomon) wrote me. I had not heard from him for a year except for a brief email at New Year's. And now he is writing me things I've been dreaming of hearing.

Side note: It's weird or maybe not. With him, my emails wax poetic. It just flows. Ain't love grand. Unrequited love still sucks. Thank you, God for hearing and answering my prayers.

The power of prayer

2006-04-09T17:59:00.000-04:00

It seems they have done another study trying to figure out if prayer really works. They took heart patients that needed surgery and divided them into three groups. One group had no prayer. One group had prayer without knowledge. And one group was told they were being prayed for. It seems the last group had the most complications. What does it mean? Very little because it is one study and we don't know all the variables.

I believe in prayer. I believe in speaking the word with faith in God and belief in the answer. I have prayed and my prayers have been answered. I have prayed and some of my prayers' answers have not manifested yet but I still believe.

Eureka! Well, sort of

2006-03-31T12:32:00.000-04:00

After debating with myself whether to take the part time teaching job, the con side won. Instead I started looking for more writing jobs. This week I was contacted by one of the newspapers I applied to. They're giving me a trial run. At first I thought I should let it go. Freelancing consists of hustling and I am a very poor hustler. But my debate team started in on me again. I can make some money on the side while I continue to look for something more permanent and financially rewarding. So I accepted their trial offer.

The perfect job search

2006-03-27T12:13:00.000-04:00

Okay. So it's not going quite according to plan. I thought I would apply to at least a job a day. Last week I applied to two. One was a posting I found on craigslist for an African-American writer not afraid of legwork. The other was a program assistant here on campus. I haven't heard from the writer job and my supervisor, Dr. Sawicki, made an ominous noise when I told her I was applying for the program assistant. After further discussion I found out that this is a job I should not seek. It's not in line with my "perfect" job anyway so it won't be a loss if I don't accept it. I may not even get the chance to turn it down. The last two I applied for here were appointed to other people without so much as an interview. So the search goes on. It doesn't appear to be easy.

In Search Of

2006-03-22T18:02:00.000-04:00

I surfed craigslist and other freelance writing sites. I found a great posting for my friend Mary. They wanted someone to write about fundamentalist religion issues. It kind of reminded me of when I was offered a free ride to a seminary college and I turned it down, only to have my best friend and aunt to go there. But if it's not for me, it's not for me. I am still going to apply for the program assistant job at IUN. They didn't even call me back to acknowledge my application but Mary encouraged me to apply anyway. I did have an epiphany. I won't take any temp jobs because I don't want to be uprooted in a few months. I'm really tired of that now. My sister Yolanda thought that was funny because she thinks I'm so unstable. I just have big dreams, high expectations and low motivations. Or, I did. My motivation is just as high.

My Quest

2006-03-21T20:27:00.000-04:00

How many licks does it take to get to the middle of a tootsie roll pop?
How many jobs will I have to apply to before I get my dream job? That is my new quest and I will chronicle here if only for myself.

I usually look at writing jobs and dream and think of reasons why they won't hire me. Then I go and apply for office jobs because I know I can do them in my sleep even though I won't be happy. I'm going to try and flip that script. Let's see what happens.

Tis the season

2005-11-25T11:18:00.000-04:00

I've been mostly quiet. Financial and technical difficulties.
Thanksgiving 2005 has come and gone. Thank you God.
Today is Black Friday. In the past I would be right out there shopping for the bargains. This year I have no money to shop, at least not yet. I don't miss the hassle. I do miss the bargains.
About the CIA leak case, of course I have an opinion. I have been on record as being against the conflict in Iraq. I totally believe that the American people were handled to believe in this war. I fault the American people more than the Bush administration. You can fool some of the people all of the time. I also fault the Democrats for letting themselves being bullied into this war. More on this later. I just want to enjoy the holiday and not stress over politics.

He made me do it

2005-10-09T12:35:00.001-04:00

Back in the 70's, tv audiences laughed at Flip Wilson's Geraldine when she sashayed onto the stage and excused her evil ways because "the devil made me do it." Christians do seem to blame the devil for a lot. I think they give him too much credit. A lot of stuff people do because they want to do it. There were no voices in their head making them do it. And there were no voices in their head commanding they shouldn't.

Worse than that, though, is when someone argues their case with the defense that God told them to do it. How can you argue against God? You can't. You just smile uneasily, nod your head, and reply "Oh. Okay."

Now we find out that God has been talking to Bush about Iraq, Afghanistan and the Palestinian state. And because God probably told Bush he would be re-elected and he was, Bush believes it was his Christian duty to obey God and go to war. It sounds too eerily like the novel by Stephen King, the original "Dead Zone," where the main character forsaw that if the presdential candidate was elected, "God" would tell him to nuke another nation.

First, I think that people who say God told them are giving credit to the wrong entity just like those who blamed the devil. It was really their ego speaking. Secondly, the concept is too scary for me to think about deeply.

I had an argument with my sister a few weeks ago. She hasn't talked to me since. She said God told her to defend her son and to keep on taking care of him. Now it doesn't matter that this son is 28 and 1/2 years old, has no job, lives with our mother, has been in jail several times, once for stealing from our aunt, has stole our mother's car at least 2 times and we suspect a third time, lies habitually, acts like a child in front of us, hangs out in the project and tries to act like a thug, does absolutely nothing in the way of errands for our mother while he stays with her.

However, my sister believes God is okay with that and she is constantly running interference for him with the rest of his family including his father, her ex-husband.

I told her my God said her son needed to stand on his own feet and be a man. So she believed I must have been talking to some other God or not at all. It didn't help that she was thinking about becoming a Jehovah's witness.

Just goes to show you can never argue with somebody when God is their main witness.

Faith and Fear

2005-10-07T10:23:00.000-04:00

I am a Christian. As a Christian I have a mandate to love everyone and to walk by faith. The United States is supposed to be a Christian nation but it has a mandate to promote democracy and live by capitalism. Love and faith is not a useful commodity. Fear is. Fear is the opposite of faith.
Terrorists control by creating an environment of fear. They would not be able to control if people operated out of faith. But faith is not logical. It calls things that do not exist and treats them as if it does.
Is this very metaphysical esoterical blah blah blah?
It is so hard to walk by faith and not live in fear especially when fear is broadcasted every hour of the day. Now we are supposed to be afraid of the avian flu, terrorists, hurricanes, etc. It doesn't matter that most of these things are based on a "what if" scenario. Fear sells even better than sex.
And I know this isn't a new concept. Nursery rhymes and fairy tales and myths and fables and sermons have been spoon fed to people for centuries.
I want to walk by faith and not by sight. I want see it when I believe it and not the other way around. I'm working on it. At least, I've got the love thing down pretty good.

TV stuff

2005-09-25T14:24:00.000-04:00

And now the first addition to my blog kingdom, as I build my empire. Because sometimes I just want to write about silly stuff like what's happening on Lost or One Life To Live, I have another blog. We'll Be Right Back is for spoilers, spumors, gossip and just ranting about my favorite shows. That would be Lost, One Life To live, Amazing Race, All My Children, Eastenders (a british soap), and various shows that pass my rigid standards. This will leave this space for other rantings until I break off another piece.

Just Because They're Beautiful

2005-09-19T19:55:00.000-04:00

My beautiful daughter Jillian who is an aspiring actress.

I still love Keith Hamilton Cobbs even if he did cut his dreads

And Tony from Strip Search

And Anwar Jenkins from Strip Search.

Sometimes I feel like a nut

2005-09-19T19:31:00.000-04:00

Sometimes I don't.

Sometimes I want to write about the serious things going on in the world and sometimes I don't. Sometimes I just want to rant and rave about the stupid frailties of reality tv contestants or unrealistic workings of my favorite soap operas. And sometimes I want to talk about spiritual things because my beliefs define me.

I even found this link for reality church.

http://www.dankimball.com/vintage_faith/2005/08/reality_church.html

The following link leads to my favorite evangelist Bill Winston. Last week he held a faith conference in Chicago. I listened to Jesse Duplantis who lives in New Orleans. His message was so uplifting. He is usually comedic but his insights are on target.

http://www.bwm.org/

I was feeling bummed about my job hunt but now I have a renewed faith. I am a Princess with wealth, riches, grace and favor.

Couch Potato Me

2005-09-17T16:34:00.000-04:00

Big Brother 6 just ended for me. The final two will battle it out Tuesday but I won't watch. I don't care who wins or lose because the two contestants were both despicable. As contestant James said, sometimes the evil are rewarded.

I watched Survivor Guatemala. First of all, what was with the silhouettes of the two unknown contestants? They looked like Eric and Maggie from Big Brother 6. It turned out to be Stephanie and Bobby Jo from the last Survivor. Their silhouettes are nothing like what was shown. Things that make you go hmmmm. It was kind of hard watching those big strong men retching. This season should be as entertaining as the past ones.

I'm waiting for the start of Amazing Race. That is the my all-time favorite reality show. My daughter who is an aspiring actress said she would never be on one. I was trying to convince her about the exposure. It made me think about how I would feel about being televised in all those awkward positions. I would do it for Amazing Race and for The Mole, which bit the dust unfortunately. ABC doesn't stand by its shows unless they are mega hits. I'm glad Lost falls into that category. It is the one TV show I'm looking forward to seeing again.

King Kaysar You Left the Game Too Soon

2005-09-14T09:55:00.000-04:00

He's just so easy on the eyes.

Keeping It Reality

2005-09-14T09:42:00.000-04:00

Okay. I'm kind of ashamed to say I like watching Big Brother. This year I read the live feed more and watched the tv show to see the scenes not on live feed. This year was a Jerry Springer Big Brother House. I knew people lied and connived to get ahead but I never knew how intense it could get until I watched these people.
Now it's down to the final three. I probably won't watch because I'm sure my favorite, Janelle, won't win. The odds are against her. Maggie, the true mastermind of this game, will probably walk away with the money. Watching her makes me feel ill. To me, she represents the mentality of red state America. She played such a mind controlling game and no one stood up to her. She spewed such hatred and rarely had fun but she always made sure her diary confessions revealed nothing of her true self. If Ivette, the Latina from Miami, wins, I will be happy for her because she obviously needs the money more. I still don't like the game she played. She was racist, ignorant, emotional, loud, immature--can you tell I don't like her.
But if you watched the televised show you may have come away with an entirely different feeling. It was definitely edited in favor of the "Friendship" as Maggie called her cult. Since Janelle and her alliance buddy Kaysar won most of the American Choice rewards, I think most people have watched the live feed and know the truth. The not so Sovereign Six was more liked.
In the end, it's only a game. Janelle, Kaysar, and Howie will go on to bigger and better things than the mere $500,000. Maggie may win the money but I don't think she will truly get to enjoy her ill gotten loot. 'Cause karma always get you in the end.

September 11

2005-09-11T08:58:00.000-04:00

Today all the news stations are remembering the terrorism and heroism of four years ago. The reaction to the destruction four years ago stands in stark contrast to what is happening now. It's almost as if God is showing us an x-ray mirror to see ourselves as we really are.
Four years ago, men destroyed financial buildings in the heart of New York City.
Two weeks ago, a hurricane and a flood destroyed over 200,000 homes in the poorest sections of the United States.
Four years ago a few thousand people lost their lives.
Two weeks today in the wake of Katrina, we still don't know how many people lost their lives but we do know that hundreds of thousands lost their livelihood.
Four years ago the mayor of New York City stood tall with the police and firemen and comforted his constituents.
Two weeks ago the mayor of New Orleans evacuated to another city while policemen struggled to maintain order and firemen watched helpless as fires burned.
Four years ago the president of the United States stood in the midst of the rubble and said we hear you and we feel your pain.
Two weeks ago the president was on vacation in Texas.
Four years ago when the ash of the World Tower covered the city, you couldn't tell who was black or who was white.
Two weeks ago, on our televisions, abandoned black people filled our screens, looting, crying, suffering. Very few white people were shown although I know that they suffered as well especially in Mississippi.
Four years ago, the world felt our pain and commiserated with us.
Two weeks ago, the world saw our chasms and commiserated with the disenfranchised of America.
Yes, John Edwards, there are two Americas and we just saw that clearly. But we also saw similarities in the charity of the United States citizens. They did what the government could not do. The government kept tripping over the red tapes. The citizens gave and are still giving.
God bless us.

Real versus Reality

2005-09-10T09:22:00.000-04:00

I watch reality tv because sometimes REAL is too much reality. Like watching CNN and all those other news stations about what's going on down south. Like wondering when my financial breakthrough will finally break through.
My cousin from New Orleans says she is never going back. They have nothing to go back for. Funny thing is that I wouldn't mind relocating down there once things are cleaned up. I believe there will be a new New Orleans.
So I watch Big Brother 6 and Kill Reality and The Real World and So You Think You Can Dance and Battle of the Reality TV Stars because they aren't real. They are great escapes.

Deja vu all over again

2005-09-04T18:11:00.000-04:00

I'm pissed. The more I think about this American disaster, the more pissed I get.

What would any other leader do when their country is suffering from possibly a level 4 hurricane? Stay on vacation like Bush did? Shouldn't a president cut his vacation short, make sure there were adequate supplies, equipment, and medical aid for his citizens?

Was it because most of the people were black? I don't know. Was it because most of the people were poor? YES!!! If this had happened in Miami or San Diego, do you think his response would have been slow. NO!!!! And it's ludicrous, considering the importance of New Orleans port to this country, that they have not repaired the levee before. Ludicrous.

And now guess who gets the first contract to rebuild New Orleans? If you guess Haliburton, go loot a cigar store.

This has happened before. In New York City on 9/11, the President was slow then too, first hiding out in air force one but not as slow as he was this past week.

Can we be certain that Bush is running the country? Maybe that's the problem. When the planes hit the Twin Towers on 9/11, he wasn't told immediately. Dick Cheney was rushed to an undisclosed location but not Bush. When a plane flew close to the White House, again Cheney was rushed away while the Bush was not even told.

I watched CBS Sunday morning and Chris Matthews show and learned a lot more about New Orleans and floods and how poor Black people are treated. New Orleans was wiped out four times in its first four years of conception. In 1927 there was another devastating flood there, probably on the scale of this one. Blacks were herded into concentration camps. That was even before Germany used concentration camps for Jews. National Guards were sent to make sure blacks didn't evacuate. So when I see the sight of those thousands of poor black people being mistreated, I cry but I am not surprised.

The aftermath of Katrina will be with us for years. New Orleans will be built again just like San Fransisco after the earthquake of 1906, just like Chicago after the fire in the late 1800's. But the nation will also have to be restored. Our economy will take a hit. Our status in the world's eyes have taken another hit. And the affect on the physical health of this country is yet to be seen. But what has taken the greatest hit is black people's faith in America. This generation never had to deal with it like their parents or grandparents did. Now it's in plain sight of everyone just how America feels about the tired, the poor, the refuge if they're Black.

New Orleans, U.S.A.

2005-09-02T09:23:00.000-04:00

And it just seems to keep getting worse. I look at the news in horror and I want to do something to help. My cousins from New Orleans have moved to St. Louis now. They're the lucky ones. They got out before the storm hit but they are now homeless.
People talk about the looters and the anarchy there. What I see are people without hope in another hopeless situation. They are poor. They are disenfranchised. The law has never been on their side. They aren't going to suddenly change when their whole world has come to an end.
Of course, it is wrong. But think about it. What are they going to do with a tv in a town without electricity? Where are they going to spend the stolen money when there are no businesses? They shoot at people, they don't care if they are rescuers or police. They shoot in despair trying to claim some kind of control over a chaotic situation.
On tv it looks like a third world country. The majority of people in this situation are poor and black. If they weren't poor, they would not be there. And things are only going to get worse. Disease must follow. Thousands of deaths have already happened.
And my question is to the president. You are supposed to be waging this war on terrorism. You are supposed to be so strong on defense. But you couldn't handle this natural disaster. The same resources that should be prepared to be used in case of a terrorist act should be available in a situation like this. Why are we not prepared? Is it all a sham?
Daily we deal with situations. Daily I pray to God for help. Could this have been prevented? You bet your life it could have. But let's deal with the aftermath and make sure it doesn't happen somewhere else.

Cape Fear

2005-08-31T09:43:00.000-04:00

I am going to try very hard and be faithful to my word. At least when it comes to blogging.

Right now the thing that is impressing me the most is the devastation in the gulf and the death toll in Iraq. I have a cousin that lives in New Orleans. I visited her a couple of years ago. I like New Orleans. I love the food, the flavor of the city, the people, the buildings. It's scary to think that it may be a thing of the past now. She is in Houston so she is alright but her house isn't. I know material things are not important in comparison to human life but it is the stuff we need to survive. Things have been extremely difficult for me for the last two years but at least I still have my home. I know some of those people in the storm torn area would trade their lives for mine right now. The funny thing is that I'm sure those same people would probably try to trade up almost immediately.

Then in Baghdad over 600 people died because of fear. There was no threat just someone shouting "suicide bomber" and everyone panicked. In the end, lives were lost from that one careless phrase with not one bomb detonated. That's the power of fear.

As I have said before I am a reality TV show addict. I watched Real World last night. I watched Rachel over react to Nehemiah and shook my head. Then she explained to Danny that for the past year while she was stationed in Iraq she lived every day in fear. That has to take a toll. I still don't know why Nehemiah sets her off. Nehemiah has lived a life where he had to face his fears and I believe made a pact with them. Could that be why she goes off on him instead of the others? His life has not been great but he is dealing with it. The rest of the room mates have lived easier lives so they look at Rachel with admiration at her feat in Iraq. Nehemiah isn't as impressed because no one pats him on the back for making it through the mire and he doesn't think he or Rachel even deserves a pat. Just my observation.

Then there's Big Brother 6. I watch the show but I read their message boards more. The show has been so edited that the TV viewers don't really get a sense of the players' real personality. I admit I liked Kaysar. I don't know why. Maybe it was his cool intelligence in the face of all that volatility and stupidity from the "Friendship." I have come to like Janelle because she isn't obsessing over what's fair or not fair or whose moral or not moral. I really dislike the cult of the Friendship for so many reasons, starting with their self appointed leader Eric. In the real real world, I have known so many people like the Friendship who smile in your face and stab you in the back. I will watch the finale but if I miss it, so what. I will read about it on the web and enjoy it more than the edited version. This has nothing to do with fear, I know, I just threw it in while it was on my mind. It's my blog and I will blog the way I want to.

I'm back!

2005-08-30T12:32:00.000-04:00

Who cares! No longer will I look at this blog as a way to expound the world according to me. It is just my diary, my catharsis, a window into my soul that probably no one but myself will look into.

It's been a long time since I wrote. I know. Lot's of stuff happened. Lot's of stuff didn't happen. I got a writing gig on the web. It's a start. The pay is miniscule. I didn't realize that at first but it's too late to cry over that spilt milk. Other than that I haven't found a steady income. I'm looking but apparently not hard enough.

Jill got her bachelor's degree and moved back home temporarily. She hasn't got a job either. She has decided to pursue a career in entertainment. I think she will be successful. Both Ryan and Jill plan to move out within the next nine months. I may beat them to it. I am not looking forward to my gas bill in the winter, job or not.

I still haven't found husband no. 2. nor boyfriend no. ?. Life goes on.

This entry is just to get me back into the habit of writing. I am going to be more faithful. I plan on writing about things that interest me. Since I have no life, I am a fan of reality tv. Thus there will be lots of review on reality shows and soap operas. When something really exciting happens I will write about it here. Don't hold your breath though. My life is blessedly uninteresting and when something does happen I'm not going to waste any second of it sitting down to write about it. That's for later. I will comment on current events. I am a liberal and proud of it so it will be bent that way.

And that's all for now. I'm off to send out more resumes, read message boards, scour dating sites and watch All My Children and One Life to Live. See ya.

Ameican Idol Recovered

2005-04-21T10:29:00.000-04:00

Anwar has bit the dust. Although I really liked him in the beginning, the thrill was gone. Bo is now my official American Idol of this season. I am not a fan of rock. I have always liked Constantine better. But I judge my idols on whom would make me buy a cd. Fantasia, Rueben and Justin (yes, I admit I liked Justin) were my favorites from past seasons. I love the sound of Bo's voice. I enjoy the raw passion of his performance. Even if he is not picked as the idol, I have no fear that Bo's career is now national.

A New Pope and The Da Vinci Code

2005-04-21T09:36:00.000-04:00

A new pope is named. Benedict. Makes me think of Benedict Arnold.

I looked at all the 15 Benedicts that came before him. They didn't do so well. I'm not catholic so it doesn't really affect me. I vaguely remember thinking the pope in the 70's was a really good guy. I remember being sad that the first John Paul died so soon after becoming Pope. I liked what I read about John Paul II. And I really liked the name he picked. It honored the pope that just died. It sounded like half the Beatles. It brought to mind the apostles from the Bible. It could be your brother's name like John Boy. But Benedict? Not a good choice, in my opinion. It's too far removed from modern life. But of course, my opinion means little.

All the pomp and circumstance about choosing the next pope made me think about the Da Vinci Code. I enjoyed the book. It wasn't the best I've ever read but it was entertaining. I understand the fuss, too, because it shakes some of those old, stodgy beliefs people cling to. I am a Christian. I go to church every week and pray every day. I listen to evangelists every morning except for Saturday and that's only because they're not on television then. I believe in the divinity of Jesus Christ. I also believe in evolution. I believe some scriptures in the bible were allegorical. I have faith in God but not blind faith in men, and I mean MEN.

When I was a woman's libbist, I was told to beware of stories written by men because they will be bias in favor of men. I am not a feminist now. I believe God is neither man nor woman. God is a spirit. I also believe that Christianity as it is now has been lopsidedly skewed in favor of men and that's just plain wrong and very old fashion. The whole hullabaloo about the Da Vinci Code has to do with sexuality and I believe that has been manipulated from the early beginnings of the christian church to down play the role of women.

Reading The Da Vinci Code made me even more curious about the beginnings of chrisitanity. For a brief period in my youth, I wondered if Catholicism was the true religion because it was the one founded by apostles. As I studied the history of early christianity, I found that it wasn't so different in the first century after Jesus' crucifixion as it is now. There were many different sects with divergent world views. Catholicism became the strongest view by executing the "heretics" and burning their books. That doesn't sound very Christian to me.

In the very beginning of Jesus' ministry, women played a very strong role but you barely know that from the Bible. They are usually unnamed while the disciples' names are prominently featured. Remember what I said about stories authored by men?

I dug deeper. Why did certain books make it into the bible? The new testatment didn't magically appear after the crucifixion. It took centuries for the books to be accepted. The inclusion of the gospel of John was widely debated. It had been edited as late as the second century. It is very different from the other gospels. Then I discovered that today's bible experts don't believe the apostle John even wrote it. You don't learn that in Sunday School. What if it was originally written from oral teachings of Mary Magdalene? What if it was edited to change any hints that it was authored by her and any mention of a deeper relationship with Jesus? "The disciple that Jesus loved" is the one that is thought to have written the last gospel.

The Da Vinci Code has not shaken my faith in God, Jesus or the Holy Ghost. It has not shaken my belief in the word of God. It has made me study and that has to be a good thing.

When I look at all the cardinals in their red medieval gowns and hear how the new Pope is against women becoming priests, I realize that we aren't that modern after all.

American Idol Reasoning

2005-04-17T17:32:00.000-04:00

I have already confessed that I love reality shows. It is my guilty pleasure. And the one I feel the guiltiest over is American Idol. Even after I watch the out takes of incredibly bad singers' auditions, it is hard to believe that the final 12 are the best they could find. That is, until I realize that it isn't just about singing. It's entertainment, dawg. Great singing would be boring (at least, the producers must think so). Therefore they must infuse it with some drama, some conflict, some romance, even if it is only in our minds.

Last Wednesday I watched in amazement as Bo was placed in the bottom TWO and Nadia left the competition. Bo has this great husky voice and Nadia is a superstar in every category. I was amazed but not surprised that people with lesser talent remained to compete another day, while someone with individuality, star quality and talent was eliminated. This is American Idol, people or as it is called in Great Brit, Pop Idol. That means we’re not looking for the most talented and definitely not the most unique star. The person that wins has to appeal to the POPulace.

That unfortunately means that someone who is a rocker like Bo and who stays true to his rocker image may not win. Constantine understands that very well. He went from rocker to the Partridge Family to Bonnie Raitt. He looks into the camera and he looks you in the eye and emotes “I’m singing this song for you.” Bo, on the other hand, is singing for the love of the music. And he stated so last week. That may hurt him or help him. Only time will tell.

Nadia got it wrong, too. She forgot this is a popularity contest. Yes, it is important to stand out but not too far out. It is very noble to want to teach the whole world to sing, but this isn’t the platform to do it. You have to sing songs that resonate with a wide group of people not a small minority. Many of the R & B songs sung on the show by departed contestants were songs known only to a few. The audience wants to know if you sang the selection well. How can they judge it if they never heard it?%

Striking it rich

2005-04-14T14:18:00.000-04:00

I awoke to the preaching of T.D. Jakes. I was half sleep and didn't hear much. He was talking about Peter walking on water. What did catch my ear was something he said about making money. He said when you figure out the principles of making money, you can always make more. That's why people whose company go bankrupt, usually end up starting another company and getting rich again. I read that same statement a few weeks back. I know Henry Ford went bankrupt several times before he hit it big. There are many others. Donald Trump comes to mind. But what is that principle? I want to know. Is it a talent like some people have green thumbs and some people can sing? Or is it something you can learn? I'm not greedy. I'm just tired of being needy.

Matrix Revisited

2005-04-12T09:19:00.000-04:00

Just because you're paranoid, doesn't mean no one is following you.

And what has that got to do with The Matrix, one of my all time favorite movies? I just got an e-mail talking about the real creator of the lucrative trilogy winning a copyright infringement case back in October. I never heard of it. Seems the idea originally belonged to a woman who happened to be African American who had submitted it as a manuscript copyrighted 1981 to the Wachowski boys back in the mid 80s. The original manuscript was entitled The Third Eye. You see, Ms. Sophie Stewart wanted to wake people up to God, good and spirituality as it conquers technochracy. In this case it seems good finally did triumph over greed. Warner Brothers, the Wachowski Brothers and Joel Silver had to cough up the money from the Matrix Trilogy and the Terminator series. You go, girl!
But why hasn't this fact been plastered all over the media? Uhmmm.

More paranoia.
The mother of the accuser in the Michael Jackson case refuses to testify. She doesn't want to incriminate herself on stand when she has to admit she participated in fraud in other cases. And what does this have to do with paranoia? I believe this case came about because Michael Jackson took a stand against Sony. You hear the line in movies all the time about how "you'll never work in this industry again" and "I'll destroy you." You believe it in those movies. I think that's what at work here in MJ's trial. They wanted his very expensive music catalogue. He borrowed against it and then made a record to make the money to pay his creditors. His company did not promote the album which was very good but heard mostly on Black stations. MJ complained publicly that Sony was racist. Next thing we know he is on trial with his accuser being someone who has used the court system before for money and won. This is reputation assasination. Yes, MJ is weird. He plays the role well. He is no heavy metal rocker. He's a lover of animal and children. Children,yes, that's the ticket. We'll take him down because of the children and he won't be able to sell any more records. Even if he doesn't lose the case, his name will be coupled with molestation. Yes, keep it up that it's the Michael Jackson molestation case so those words go together in the mind of the public.

I personally don't feel he is guilty. My opinion.

Princess of random

2005-04-11T18:31:00.000-04:00

I came across a page entitled "Queen of the random jobs." I like that. The author had worked at more jobs than me and I thought I had worked quite a few. So if she is the queen, I must be the princess.
One of my favorite tv show is Girlfriends on UPN. The character Lynn is a bit of a queen of random jobs too. At first she was put down by her stable friends for her inability to settle at one position but this season she had an ephiphany. She liked working at different jobs and she embraced it. I may not go as far as Lynn, looking for something different every day, but I am embracing the urge to freelance. Stability is so boring, so confining. So while I am without a steady job or a steady pay check, I am not without resources, joy or faith. I am not lazy. I work. I just don't work in a box.
And so now I dedicated this blog to that randomness too. Depending on my mood, I will hit on topics that interest me at the moment. And I am interested in many, many things, some mundane, some profound --God, spirituality, sexuality, evolution, music, movies, reality tv, race relations, paranormal, paranoia, etc. You get the picture. Random acts of expression.

2005-04-10T20:19:00.000-04:00

Me with my two girls and a friend of Jillian. Arianne is the delirous one, I'm the proud beaming mother and Jillian is the one in full stage makeup.

2005-04-10T19:43:00.000-04:00

Just got back from Bloomington, Indiana. Watched my daughter in the African American Dance Troupe. She was awesome, of course. This was her last recital since she is graduating this year. I will not miss the trip down to see her but I will miss the performance. They were not professional, just several grades above high school. What I did enjoy was the passion my daughter exhibited when she danced. She was a free spirit!

Now back to reality. I don't need reality tv. I got my own thing going on. First there's my own bachelorette thing as I look for love, hopefully in all the right places. Then there's Clean Sweep as I clean my house and sell stuff at a garage sale. I have a different take on design shows. Mine is Ghetto Fabulous as I design from Dollar Shows and garage sales and thrift shops. I will be my own Apprentice as I start my empire online, offline, in my dreams.

More to follow.

Back at it

2005-04-05T15:14:00.000-04:00

So much has been happening in the world. I haven't commented on any of it. That doesn't mean I haven't been affected by it. Terry Schiavo and the Pope, Michael Jackson and Robert Blake, the earthquake in Indonesia, etc.
It makes me feel petty to think about my job and financial situation. Yesterday I was waiting for my son to pick me up from work. He was late, very late but I didn't get upset because I knew eventually I would get picked up. And I thought to myself that everything is like that. Eventually things will work itself out or change. Things don't ever stay the same or static. It gave me some comfort.
I am sorry for the people who are mourning the Pope. He was a great man. It was time for him to step down and he would not do it until he died. My grandfather did the same thing with his church. I always thought he should have stepped down when he became an invalid but he refused. I believe it is because the mind still sees the vision and can't believe anyone else will bring it to pass. But that is a bit egotistical. We are all expendable and we all die. It is wonderful when we can leave a legacy behind. The Pope set the bar very high but someone will try to top him. It's like those Nike commercials about the legacy of Michael Jordan. Someone one day will fill the shoes.

Real life

2005-03-12T10:01:00.000-04:00

Last weekend was one of the worst I have had so far in this young year. It's ironic because the weekend before was so stellar. The weekend before my daughters came into town for a visit. We hung out talking, visiting, shopping and eating. I realized then that of all the people in the world, they are the ones that get me the most and they still love me. They understand me better than my own mother or my sisters. We had such a great time.
Then last weekend I came back down to earth. My boss told me that my services were not up to par. He needed me to work 24/7 and then I would probably produce enough sales to warrant him to increase my hours to full-time, still with no commission. I agreed with him that my efforts were sub par but that I did not intend to work after hours for him. So now at the end of this month I will be gainfully unemployed.
I tried to reach Paul, thinking how nice it would be to talk to him again. He had complained that I was not as forth coming as he was with the minute details of life. Here was my chance to prove him wrong, so I thought. Besides, I had this fantasy that if we saw each other again, the sparks would fly. And even if that may be true, it will never happen. Paul shot my fantasies down very neatly saying things he had never said before but thought I knew. The man who had just told me about how he saved a special photo of me and how he included me on his list of people he talked to only behind his mother and sister, this man told me that he wasn't the man for me and hoped the air was cleared and we were on the same page.
Well I am now.
For some reason, my boss, Paul, girl friends, other relatives excluding my daughters, all of them don't know who I am. And if they don't get me, it must be my failure to communicate, my hedges of reserve that surround me. Or it may be a combination of that plus those individuals' failure to look beyond their prejudices and see people as someone that operates on different levels, motives and principles than their own.
But I am climbing out of my pity hole. I can't stay down for long no matter what. I will be okay. I will be better than okay. I will be like Scarlet O'Hara when she defied the circumstances, as God is my witness. Tomorrow.

Getting to be a habit

2005-03-01T10:02:00.000-04:00

The habit is writing about reality tv. It's a sad commentary on my life that my reality is on tv. My own life is gratefully dull and boring but sadly it is also dull and boring. But on to reality--tv.
I watched American Idol as I switched back to the finale of the Bachelorette. That was a good call. More about that later. I enjoyed the show. It was aiiright as Randy would say. There were no breakouts for me. My love for the stylings of Maxwell, Seal and Sting is still safe from any other suitors. There were some that I really liked and others that surprised me.
Before I comment on that though, I made another observation. I like to read what others thought to compare notes as it was. We all listened to the same show, heard the same voices, but because we all bring something different to the table, we come away with different impressions.
I though David sounded great. He was one of my favorites. He is the young chocolate honey with the short braids and sweet face. Almost everyone thought he sounded lousy but I also noticed that most people hadn't heard the Stevie Wonder song he sang. It is one of my favorites, "All in Love is Fair." He did a great job, in my opinion. But others didn't hear what I heard.
Now I agree that rocker Bo is very good. That Anwar is smooth. Mario is cute in a Justin American Idol I way. Nikko is sexy! Now he surprised me. Anthony is boring. Constantine is mildly entertaining in a rocker wannabe way. Scott has such a great voice and such a snoopy dog (the cartoon not the rapper) face. I want him to go further. Joe is sleezy. Travis is cute in an Usher way but I didn't hear his performance so I can't judge. I'll just say that I thought he did good last week but everyone was hating on him. I don't know who will go. The message boards weren't a very good judge of that last week. I just hope it isn't David and I don't care if it is Joe.
Back to Bachelorette Jen who shares her name with me. It was such a let down. I thought Jerry was such a good catch. He has so many different levels to him. I was not impressed with John Paul. Money is not enough. He needs some more maturing and being on this show and getting turned down will probably push him in that direction. I saw the chemistry between Jerry and Jen from the beginning. But something happened after the show ended to make Jen change her mind and she picked no one.
I have a suggestion for the Bachelor franchise. Change the format!!!!! Stop saying the same thing every show. Stop having Chris tell everyone this is the final rose. We all can see that. Have an ethnic show with all black or all latino with a token white. Have people who are not super rich. Have them do normal things. And most importantly. Let the final rose be live so that they don't have to go around for months pretending not to be in love. And then maybe some of these romances will have a better survival rate. And that's what I have to say about it.

Another dose of reality--tv that is.

2005-02-22T09:26:00.000-04:00

So what's all the commotion about blogging? I've been at it for nearly two months and it feels like a tree falling in a forest. I don't know if I'm heard or not. Oh well. I will keep at it if only for my catharsis.
This is my tv blog today. Or just a portion because I actually haven't been watching that much. I watched American Idol yesterday to see the men battle for a spot on the show. Some stood out. I like Anwar. He has this new age spirituality thing going for him. And of course he can sing. He doesn't have a voice of an angel though. That title is saved for my favorite artist Maxwell. Actually I think Scott Savol has the prettiest voice packaged in an unlikely body. For that reason I don't know how far he will go. He doesn't have the geek factor like Clay Aiken did and he doesn't have the sweet personality that Rueben has. But he's got the voice and he's got the underdog standing. Mario is the cutest and he also has energy and a good voice. He may take it a long way. I liked both the rockers--Bo and Constantine. Constantine sang one of my favorite songs, "Kiss from a Rose", in a unique styling. I liked it. But no one wowed me like Jennifer Hudson did last season. I will say, though, that the talent is way better than last year.

I fell asleep on Super Nanny. That's not a good sign. They're starting to all be alike. And I missed Desperate Housewives. "Girlfriends" had to make up for that loss.

Unrequited sucks

2005-02-14T08:57:00.000-04:00

It's Valentine's Day. I know who is taking me out, what I'm getting and where I'm going. I know because I'm going to take me out and buy me something. Isn't love wonderful? Isn't love grand?
Another milestone marked by solitude. But I still thank God because I'm here. And I know what I'm talking about because some of the people I loved the most are no longer alive.
The weather will mirror my feelings today. It will be wet and muggy and gray. I will go to work and give away candy kisses and good wishes. And maybe, just maybe, someone will surprise me. And if not, I will still enjoy the company of one.

Time passed

2005-02-06T10:16:00.000-04:00

Time to catch up with all that has happened.
I didn't even watch Bush give his speech. I knew whatever he said, it would be a lot of rhetoric, a lot of inspirational slight of hand stuff. The real deal is never what they show us. It's always behind the scene. And behind the scene, his cohorts are trying to take back health insurance from the employers' hands and put is in the employees' hands, because they are for the employers. They are taking away the environmental protection so that they can exploit the land. They are changing social security so that the government isn't responsible and more people put money into the stock market accounts. The government isn't for the people, by the people, of the people. It's for the rich, by the rich, of the rich.
Can you tell I'm not a republican?
Paul called. My heart did flip flops. I couldn't talk long because I was at work and stuff was happening. When I finally did talk again, his ardor had receeded. But it was a nice talk. And I do love him. I understand that if anyone ever reads this that knows me and if he is not Paul or even if he is, then everything is revealed. But I don't care because I am speaking only the truth as I see it.
Valentine is coming. I will send him a card. I hope I get something in return.
From now on I am speaking only life into my situations. If necessary I will call things that are not as though they are according to the scriptures.
Time to get ready for church. Today my grand nephew will be christened. That's a nice milestone.

Good thing there's good things on tv

2005-01-21T12:12:00.000-04:00

It's threatening to snow some more. This time they say 6 to 10 inches. I'm so through with snow and winter. It's a good thing there's something worth watching on tv.

Is it my imagination or do they seem to bring out the better stuff in the winter? Being a reality show junkie, I'm loving this season.

So this is my tv blog.

Amazing Race is by far my favorite reality show. I know the most important aspect of any reality show is casting and they have found some extremely aggressive people for this season. My favorites--Gus and Hera-- got eliminated a few shows back. So now I'm just watching to see the people I don't like get kicked off. Victoria and John finally achieved that. This was the most abusive, non-loving couple I've seen outside of a soap opera. And they are obviously made for each other because Victoria takes the abuse and acts like a victim, whining all the time. Another strange couple is Rebecca and Adam. He has puckish features and two little pony tails on his forehead. Rebecca is beautiful and it makes you wonder why she settled for Adam. I've decided she likes to control men and feel superior to them. Adam is a good choice for that.
The scenery is always beautiful. Amazing Race shows me something I wouldn't ordinarily see. This last episode was in Ethiopia. The people there were beautiful in features and spirit. It made me want to visit the country now.

There's a new show on called The Nanny. Where do they find these people who don't mind being humiliated before thousands of people. And these people are humiliated by their own children. I guess since it was happening to them in private, it really didn't make a difference if the whole world could see. The Nanny made the funniest faces whenever the three "Bay-Bay" kids acted up. I'm looking forward to watching more.

Lost is my favorite regular show even more than Desperate Housewives. There's an X-File, American Gothic, Miracles feel to it. I can't figure it out and that's a good thing. The men are beautiful and that's another good thing.

American Idol is back. I watched only in snatches because Amazing Race and Lost were on at the same time. It looks like it will be good as usual. The one character that stuck out for me was the young man who claimed to be related to Toni Braxton. He needed an attitude adjustment but he was great tv. Plus the girl with multiple personalities. She was just plain scary.

And now the Apprentice is back. I didn't really watched last time. It wasn't as good as the first one. Maybe that's why they added this twist to it of having book smart people compete with street smart people. One character, Danny, looked like he was straight from some screenwriter's mind. He looked like tech geek who was living out a 60's hippie fantasy complete with a guitar. He will be interesting to watch but I don't think he will last long.

So while it snows outside, I will be inside watching the "real world." I'm so glad they overlap so I don't go through withdrawal when one of the show ends.

2005-01-16T10:37:00.000-04:00

It is so cold now. Hard to imagine that just a few days ago it was in the 60s! But it feels like winter now. It makes me want to stay home where it's warm and at the same time it makes me claustropobic and want to run outside.

A classmate of mine, a man in his 50's, is over in Kuwait right now. He would have been at Mosul when they were attacked but by the grace of God (I've been praying for his safe return) he was kept back in Kuwait until this weekend. This is just crazy. It's bad enough that they take young boys at the beginning of their adulthood to fight a questionable war. They also take women, mothers, middle age men. Crazy.

Thinking about the tsunami . . .man kills hundreds, nature kills thousands. For a while it made the statistics coming out of Iraq sound puny. Doesn't make it right though.

Buried Secrets

2005-01-11T23:17:00.000-04:00

I am an amateur genealogist. I don't mind the tedious digging because it's worth the rush when I find that obscure relative or genetic link. It's even more difficult to discover ancestral details if you're African-American so the rewards are greater with every discovery.

After researching for several years I realized how many "facts" are subjective. I began to wonder how many things reported were actually true and how many things were never reported. My aunt Adrene told me that my grandmother had a secret that she refused to share. She said she was "taking it to the grave." We never found out what it was. Of course, someone else knew. Secrets are rarely only known to one person. But we don't know what that secret was.

I got to thinking about some of my secrets. I like to talk and discuss my problems but there are some things that I won't share. Yes, someone else knows those secrets. We just never talk about them. Haven't talked about them for years. I'm sure I'm not unique. So I wonder how many secrets out there go buried. Are they only unearth generations later when the interested parties are dead and gone? I guess we won't know. That's why my idea of heaven is a great big library where you can go and read or download or however one would digest information that was a secret. Like who really killed JFK and where is Jimmy Hoffa buried and did Marilyn Monroe commit suicide and what was my grandmother's secret.

Back to Normal

2005-01-09T10:35:00.000-04:00

My daughter has gone back to school so now life can back to normal. I love it when she is here but she is more of a guest now. I accomodate her and change my routine for her so when she goes back there is a small sigh of relief.

Now it feels like the year has started and I can go about achieving my goals. A freelance insurance agent asked me what I planned to do this year. I didn't want to tell him because I know he was fishing. Then I realize I didn't have concrete goals. Sure, I want to make more money, lose more weight, travel more, blah, blah, blah. But those are not concrete. The one thing I am certain of is that I want love in my life but I'm not sure how to go about getting it. It's just one more thing that feels like it will take a miracle to accomplish. Fortunately, I believe in miracles.

White out

2005-01-05T20:28:00.000-04:00

It's heeeere. The snow is icing everything in white frosting. I use to love winter. It's lost its appeal for me. I use to want four seasons. I could live with just one now--spring.

My daughter came home and now she's stuck and I still haven't seen her. She's stuck at her boyfriend's in E.C.

I'm going to get under the covers, drink a little wine, and watch Lost. It would be so nice if I had another warm body to share heat with but se la vi. Maybe next winter.

I was so depressed this morning. I had to stop the tears from falling because I was at work. I called my mom. She said maybe it's because I hadn't seen my daughter and I didn't like my job. Add to the list that there is no significant other and my bills are high and my pay is low. Yet I thank God because I'm alive, healthy, so are my children, I have a job, I have a home and things are going to be better very, very soon.

The impending storm

2005-01-04T20:18:00.000-04:00

I just realized that today was my late husband's birthday. I was feeling really depressed yesterday and Sunday and today I was very irritable. I put it down to collective grief over all those people that died. Maybe it was my husband's birthday affecting me, too.

I watched Medium last night. I thought the show was dull. It didn't live up to the hype but it did make me think about whether the dead still hang around us.

My oldest daughter made it in from Lafayette. Even though I'm glad to see her, I wished she had stayed put. The winter storm is coming and it will make travelling hard. Both my daughters have to travel back to school, storm or not. But it was nice having them here. They bring the house back to life. It's very difficult having an empty nest when you don't even have a mate to share it with.

Not just another Sunday

2005-01-02T16:33:00.000-04:00

I didn't go to church. I was playing a word game and the time got away from me. That's not a good excuse for not going, I know. I did watch my favorite tv ministers, Creflo Dollar and Bill Winston. I prayed. But it's not the same. My mother called and called me to see where I was. My daughter was on the phone and never switched over. Oh well. Please forgive me God. I will not make this a habit.

I'm cooking now since I'm home. I'm making the traditional New Year's Day food a day late. That's black eye peas and collard greens. You're supposed to have it on your table on the first day so that it will bring you money. The peas are for change and the collard greens are for folding money. I'm not a big fan of either and rarely cook black eye peas and this is the first time I'm cooking greens. But it can't hurt.

I'm looking forward to watching the new episodes of Desparate Housewives later. It's like watching the Sex and the City women as married women. Teri Hatcher is the Carrie character. Lynette is Miranda with four children. Kimberley is Charlotte on steroids. And Gabrielle is a toned down Samantha. It also makes me think of Twin Peaks even though I never got into that show.

I like the show even though its following the old formula. You know, the one where there's these four women who bond. There's usually a smart mouth one, a naive one, a sexy and/or vain one, a smart one. It's been tried on Golden Girls, Living Single, Designing Women and now on Girlfriends. And although I like them all in their variations, I wonder why they don't try something different. Dumb question.

First day of the year

2005-01-01T19:59:00.000-04:00

I just got back from the family party. My sister felt lead to announce that she loved everyone and we are all suppose to love each other. I agree. I wonder then why we have to have the family party at the family church instead of at someone's home. We love each other but we don't want to have each other in our house. I had the party last year at my house because I prefer the home setting over the hall setting. No one stepped up to the plate this year.

I held my grand nephew for the first time. It felt weird. I haven't held a baby that small in such a long time. I think I will like being a grandmother but I'm in no rush.

It was nice connecting with family even if it was in a hall. I played Scrabble with my other sister and my cousins. I lost but it was fun.

This year is starting out okay but it's only one day old. I left Paul behind in 2004. He didn't call. The funny thing is that he called last week when I didn't expect him to and it made me hope again. But he stayed true to form this week by not contacting me. I still wish him well. He may have finally found someone to share his life with. I hope so. He's one of the good guys. Just too bad it wasn't with me. But it's time for me to move on and stop obsessing about him. More fish to fry. It seems a new one comes around every three months. The three months will be up soon. And I'm so ready. Bring him on.

Auld Lang Syne

2004-12-31T17:06:00.000-04:00

I am not sad to see 2004 go. It wasn't very nice to me. The list of things that happened include:

My childhood best friend Adrene died, my wonderful uncle James died, my car became terminally ill after being hit by a hit and run driver.
On the good side, I got a new job with a new license--insurance--(ha! that's a laugh). I met Paul whom I am infatuated with. I travelled to Memphis. I went to Chicago for the gospel fest and the taste and the lighting of the magnificent mile and to see Paul three times in addition to numerous other times. My daughter Arianne graduated from Purdue. I came back to church.

I hope for great things in the new year. Possibly a new job and/or career. Possibly a new man or things could heat up with Paul. Hopefully I will get new transportation and my inheritance will come in. I want to travel far and wide, to write and publish. My daughter Jillian will graduate. Of course, I hope to stay healthy, pay off my debts and maybe get engaged (it could happen).

We shall see what we shall see. Tonight I will curl up with a bottle of champagne and some old movies and wish for wonderfulness and pray for the world and for love.

2004-12-31T16:37:00.000-04:00

just me

The beginning

2004-12-30T09:44:00.000-04:00

I don't know why it's taken me so long to blog. I have always liked writing. Wanted to be a writer since I was 4. I tried free web pages but always lost interest because I'm technically challenged. But this is a natural. Now I can give my 2 cents on anything and even if no one reads it, I got it down in print. Cathartic.

Uppermost on my mind is the tragedy in Asia. The devastation is immense. There has to be a collective grief all over the world. For me it points out the puniness of man and the greatness of God. All those people being washed ashore like dead fish seems inhumane. All those possessions tossed aside like litter, now just debris. How fragile we are, like Sting says. How small we are.

And then I go back to thinking about my own life. In an hour I will be at work. It's just a part time job. It doesn't bring in enough money so I must keep looking for something else. I like my boss and I enjoy the people I meet. It isn't something I would have chosen--insurance. It sort of chose me or I somehow fell into it because I needed something. I refused to go on assistance. It is just another way station because I need to move on. Still I am thankful because I do have a job and a home and family and my health. I am not complaining. And I know things will be better.

Even though I wasn't able to buy presents for Christmas nor received any save for a bonus from my boss and a gift from an anonymous person, I had a good holiday. I found out it isn't about getting or giving material things. It's about love--loving others and loving oneself and loving God and His Son.